house of filth and squalor, part III:

 

The latest: 

As you may or may not know, upon arriving at the dreaded House of Filth and Squalor just two months ago, something terrible happened to me: i almost cried. now, you have to understand that it takes a fair amount to bring me to tears these days (usually it only involves my dissertation progress or lack thereof), so it's a big event for me when i even start to tear up. what could cause such a thing? well, the horrific state of the downstairs bathroom in the house where i'd be spending the next 3 months nearly did it.

in an effort to establish some basic level of cleanliness and hygiene (and perhaps to gain some tiny degree of piece of mind) i spent over an hour scrubbing the mold, dirt, hair, grease, mucus and other assorted shit (that may or may not naturally be found on the human body), WITHOUT GLOVES and essentially bathing myself in carcinogenic chemicals in the process.  let me reiterate: this was immediately upon arriving at the house.

over the course of the past 8 weeks, following my intense scrub-n-sob fest in the bathroom, CF (a.k.a. only normal roommate and my sole source of sanity) and i have done what we could to make this shithole marginally habitable. slowly things have gotten better from their initial state - which, as i've described, was one that you'd only expect to see in, say, a house from the movie 28 DAYS LATER: when disease (e.g. the rage!) and disaster (e.g. turbo-zombies!!) have caused the total degradation of society and normal efforts to maintain hygiene are simply impossible.

yes, i know i have already given you one or two glimpses into what life is like in this terrible house, so you may be asking:  why is she bringing this up yet again?  well, to be honest, i felt compelled to describe to you my FIRST HOURS in this house because i felt it was necessary in order for you to fully grasp the significance of the following:  this afternoon i received an email from Hippie Slumlord that stated, 

"Hi everyone, I hope you all are having a great summer!  In the interest of keeping the house clean (in the long run) I would appreciate it if everyone would pick a common room to clean before moving out.  A few of you might want to team up on the kitchen, it can be overwhelming!"

ok. deep breaths. don't freak out, E. it's ok that she's asked that, even though the house was never cleaned for you. deep breaths. don't freak out. don't fre- gahhhhhhhh!fuckingbitchmotherfuckingassholeinsaneslumlorddirtyhippyfreakmotherfuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

NO. just.... nooooooooooooooooo.

ok. deep breaths. sorry about that. i'm calm now. i just need to figure out some sort of mature response to her request, maybe:

"hi hippy slumlord! 

fuck you bitch! 

thanks for the email! 

go fuck yourself you fucking bitch slumlord motherfucker! clean the fucking rooms yourself! 

i regret that i am unwilling to clean one of the common rooms as this place is a fucking shithole and it is already a million times better than the way i found it i did a fair amount of cleaning when i arrived. 

die bitch! 

warm regards,

E."

oh... what a summer this has been!