things that are terrible, vol. 4: "a half marathon series for the diva in you!"

When KH and i ran a half marathon last month, along with all of our race materials we got a postcard advertising a very special half marathon. the postcard was pink - which made me feel immediately nauseated - but then i read the text. the race was just for women and was named -- are you ready? "the DIVA'S HALF MARATHON."

holy fucking shit bloody hell. the description was so awful, i thought it had to be fake. some sort of weird joke. or maybe i was totally delirious from having just run 13.1 miles and i was hallucinating. but no. it turns out that this is a real race and, i might add, a perfect example of ALL THAT I HATE IN THIS WORLD.

take a quick glance at their website and you find this truly amazing (by which i mean totally offensive) race description:

* Flat and fast course starting and finishing at historic Eisenhower Park

* Roses, champagne, tiaras and more to make you feel pretty and strong

* Refresh and Renew Stations on the Course

* Awards 3 deep in age groups including an Ageless category for those keeping the secret

* Awesome, shining and spinning diva medals featuring a spot for your own photo.

* Ladies tech shirts for all half marathon divas

* Feather boa stations and tiara stops on the course [seriously, you are fucking kidding , right?]

* Post Race Dance Party

* 3.5 hour time limit [thank god, ‘cause women are so slow!]

oh, BUT IT GETS WORSE. here is a great description included in the "race details" portion of the website:

Once you finish running, let us pamper you like a Diva! As you cross the finish line loose [sic] yourself in the feeling of accomplishment. A handsome firefighter will crown your accomplishment with the most Diva like medal out there, toast it with a glass of champagne and celebrate it with a rose…because you are beautiful and powerful and you have just done something not many people can do!!! You are a running Diva…relish the feeling and the moment with all your Diva sisters and friends.

And as you begin to come down from that heavenly feeling of accomplishment, dance the day away at the Dance hall where handsome young men from the local dance schools will will sweep you off your feet and glide with you at the Finish Line Dance Hall. Today is your day Miss Diva, Enjoy, you are a QUEEN for a day and everyone is looking at you!!!!

audfhuwfgfgiwageogarergqbgeouq'

oh god. sorry. i just passed out on my keyboard because of too much stupidity/absurdity/painfulness.

maybe it's just me, but i'm kind of thinking about signing up just so i can punch all of the race organizers in the face... oh but that wouldn't be very girly of me, would it? no, i'm sure they'd prefer hair pulling or some other classic cat fight move.

sigh.

why is the world so awful?