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| I don't even understand what is happening in most of these pictures. |
Without further ado, I present to you:
Household tips from a domestic sloth (aka how to be ridiculously lazy without anyone finding out just how lazy you really are):
1. Do you find yourself frustrated every time you have to fold clean sheets? You're not alone: folding fitted sheets is effing hard! Martha Stewart may be able to tell you how to fold one perfectly, but why take the time to do that when it is so much easier to just scrunch the fitted sheet into a ball, and stuff it into the back of the linen closet? There is no shame in this. In fact, you should be congratulating yourself for already having exceeded your household duties for the day by washing the sheets in the first place (well done)! The key step in this process is to fold the much-easier-to-fold flat sheet and use that to conceal the balled up fitted sheet behind it. Voila! If they can't see the fitted sheet, then no one will know just how lazy you are. Genius!
2. If you're anything like me (and I hope, for your sake, that you aren't), you are probably terrible about replacing burned out light bulbs. I suppose the lack of light just doesn't really bother me as much as having to go to the store to buy new ones. My recommended course of action in this situation is, well, to do nothing. You might be asking, "But what will other people think if they come to my house and see the burned out bulbs?" Well, if that happens, what I like to do is this: apologize to your guest(s) and tell them that the bulb "just burned out that day" and that you didn't have time to replace it before they arrived. No one will know that that bulb has actually been out for over a year!
1. Do you find yourself frustrated every time you have to fold clean sheets? You're not alone: folding fitted sheets is effing hard! Martha Stewart may be able to tell you how to fold one perfectly, but why take the time to do that when it is so much easier to just scrunch the fitted sheet into a ball, and stuff it into the back of the linen closet? There is no shame in this. In fact, you should be congratulating yourself for already having exceeded your household duties for the day by washing the sheets in the first place (well done)! The key step in this process is to fold the much-easier-to-fold flat sheet and use that to conceal the balled up fitted sheet behind it. Voila! If they can't see the fitted sheet, then no one will know just how lazy you are. Genius!
2. If you're anything like me (and I hope, for your sake, that you aren't), you are probably terrible about replacing burned out light bulbs. I suppose the lack of light just doesn't really bother me as much as having to go to the store to buy new ones. My recommended course of action in this situation is, well, to do nothing. You might be asking, "But what will other people think if they come to my house and see the burned out bulbs?" Well, if that happens, what I like to do is this: apologize to your guest(s) and tell them that the bulb "just burned out that day" and that you didn't have time to replace it before they arrived. No one will know that that bulb has actually been out for over a year!
Granted, this gets trickier with multiple dead bulbs, but you can always try claiming that they all burned out simultaneously that day. To sell the story, you could even add a "All those lightbulbs going out at once is really weird, right? I hope it wasn't a poltergeist!" Then change the subject immediately. Discussing Poltergeist the movie series would be a natural way to redirect the conversation.
3. My final tip is this: when in doubt, blame your pet. Your pet can't understand you, so you don't have to worry about your story being contradicted. The best part is, this excuse works for a whole host of housekeeping failures. "You know, I made the bed this morning. The cat/dog/ferret/potbellied pig must have decided to get under the covers and messed the whole thing up. Sigh..." or "I'm so sorry - I vacuumed yesterday, it's just that my cat/dog/goldfish/miniature pony tracks stuff everywhere!" I'm still working out how to make this excuse work for dirty dishes and overflowing recycling bins, but I'm sure there's a way…
3. My final tip is this: when in doubt, blame your pet. Your pet can't understand you, so you don't have to worry about your story being contradicted. The best part is, this excuse works for a whole host of housekeeping failures. "You know, I made the bed this morning. The cat/dog/ferret/potbellied pig must have decided to get under the covers and messed the whole thing up. Sigh..." or "I'm so sorry - I vacuumed yesterday, it's just that my cat/dog/goldfish/miniature pony tracks stuff everywhere!" I'm still working out how to make this excuse work for dirty dishes and overflowing recycling bins, but I'm sure there's a way…
Happy "housekeeping"!
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