file under: "only in the pioneer valley":

When you live in baltimore, it is always nice to be reminded that there are places in the world where police reports do not detail heroin overdoses or grisly murders resulting from drug deals gone wrong, but instead catalogue incidents involving doors being covered in mayonnaise, pit bulls being frightened of water and turtles that are a little confused.

so for your friday reading pleasure, i have decided to share some of the priceless police reports from incidents occurring over the past few months in my old hometown of amherst, massachusetts:

ANIMAL COMPLAINTS


* 6:55 a.m. - A sick raccoon in front of the Lord Jeffery Inn was destroyed.

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 10:47 a.m. - A man allegedly carrying a handgun who was knocking on doors at Brandywine Apartments was determined to be a maintenance worker for the complex. Residents had mistaken a pipe wrench he was using to repair water lines for a weapon.

VANDALISM

* 9:42 a.m. - Sigma Kappa residents told police their front door was covered in mayonnaise after Allen Street neighbors threw a jar at it overnight.

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 3:30 p.m. - A Wildflower Drive resident reported illegal dumping on the property. A receipt from a fast food restaurant may be used to identify the person doing the activity.

ANIMAL COMPLAINTS

* 1:38 p.m. - A rabid raccoon on the Town Common died before officers got to the location.

* 3:33 p.m. - Police checked on the well being of a pit bull being walked in the Wentworth Conservation Area whose owners wanted it to swim in an adjacent pond. Police determined the dog had a sore that was healing, but otherwise appeared to be in good condition, even if it was frightened of the water.

* 8:36 p.m. - A snapping turtle in a travel lane of West Street was relocated to the nearby woods.

DISTURBANCES

* 6:42 p.m. - A homeless man who threw a temper tantrum at the Survival Center was located a short time later at a Sunderland Road location. He told police he was upset because he has an injured jaw and was given food he couldn't chew.

SUSPICIOUS ACTIVITY

* 2:31 p.m. - Police spoke to a man attempting to sell artwork on Main Street after he was observed waving knives at passers-by and making them nervous. The man told police he was just trying to draw attention to his artwork.

CITIZEN ASSISTANCE

* 5:38 a.m. - A man came to the police station lobby requesting that his wife be arrested for committing adultery. The man, who was upset when he was told that was not a crime or something police could investigate, left the location a short time later.

BREAK-INS

* 7:10 p.m. - Middle Street residents called police about a break-in attempt at their home. Police later determined the damage caused to the home was likely from a black bear roaming in the neighborhood.